Sunday, October 6, 2013
Today marks four months since I left. Four months since we packed all of our belongings into a truck and a half and our van, and left. Four months since I last saw my closest friends face to face. Four months since I last felt their arms wrap around me. Four months since I last grabbed them in my embrace and held them tight. Four months since I heard their voices, loud, and clear. Four months since I said goodbye.
I had dreams of staying. The thought crossed my mind
once or twice several times, about not leaving. Staying behind. Moving in with another family. (I had had more than one mention it, and at the time, I had taken it rather seriously.) It meant dance, and babysitting. Friends, and fun times. Sleepovers, and silly moments. It meant that I didn't have to leave. And, sometimes, I was willing to make that choice.
Unfortunately, I wasn't
legally old enough to make that choice. Which meant that I had no other choice but to leave...
I left living within a day's drive of my family. I left the house that had housed me and my family for nine and a half years. I left the only house my sisters ever remember. I left the church we had attended, the reason we had come in the first place. I left the church where we had gone almost every Wednesday night. I left the churches where the people had watched me grow up from a little girl, to a young woman. The churches that had seen my youngest sister born. I left a homeschool group with almost 100 families, always loving, laughing, playing, teasing. I left biweekly dance classes. I left babysitting for some of the best kids and parents ever. I left my closest friends, and the friends that weren't so close. I left them all.
And, I had left my life. Or so I thought.
We left. And I was still alive. Still breathing. Still thinking. Still looking, and hearing, and feeling. Although, there were some things that I tried not to feel. Some things, that I didn't want to think about, especially while I was in the noisy van. Because, I knew I would cry. Because, I knew it would hurt. Because, I knew that there was no turning back. I knew, that things would never be the same. I knew, that no matter how hard I hoped, how hard I wished, how hard I prayed, things would change.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Today, marks four months since we arrived. Four months since we stepped through new doors. Four months since my dream had ended. Four months since reality hit once again. Four months since we walked into an empty house and sat down on the living room floor. Four months since I knew that life would have to carry on... here.
And I was right about things changing. It's been four months. Things there have already changed. A new set up for babysitting, not to mention new kids and parents. New teachers for dance. New programs, and new leaders for youth group and Wednesday nights. New faces and new activities in the homeschool group. New things, that I will never be able to experience the same way that my friends experience them. Things that they have fun at, and talk about, and I have no clue what it was like. Things, that change our relationship.
Things in my life have changed too. New schedules, new activities, new subjects. New responsibilities, new experiences. New faces, new layouts, and new rules. New things that my friends won't know. New things that my friends won't see, the same way I see them. Things that they have no clue about. Things, that change our relationship.
I miss them. I cried the other night, envisioning their faces in my head. Faces, that were fuzzy, and weren't clear. I replayed their voices. Voices that didn't sound right. I thought of scenarios and experiences that we had been through. Experiences, that I couldn't quite remember.
Oh, yes, I'll always remember them! No, I'd never forget! I'll always remember my friends. The friends who I saw four times a week for several weeks, the friends who always made me laugh so hard at the end of our writing co-op. The friends who sang with me up on stage. The friends who I danced with every, single week. The friends who I saw maybe once a month. The friends who I've known so long, I just don't remember how we met. The friends who were the first ones I met when we first came. The friends who tell me stories of when we supposedly hated each other, and I have no clue what they're talking about. The friends who can play certain instruments like nobody's business. The friends who will break out in joyous song, just because. The friend whose always willing to help me with some technical problem The friend who laughs at my silly antics (which sometimes, were just for her). The friends who ask me for advice. The friends who love to talk. The friends who are quiet. The friends who listen to the music that I listen to. The friends who listen to music, that I would never listen to if I had the choice. The friends, who are so diverse, in so many ways. The friends who I have number upon number of priceless memories with. The friends, who don't feel like friends, but like family.
I'm thankful for letters, and phone calls, and e-mail, and text. For chat, and instant messaging, and video calls. But, it's not the same.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Now, I was told several times before we moved, 'Oh, you'll make new friends!' and 'Oh, it'll be fun!' and 'Oh, it's an adventure!' (I would cringe when I heard that last one after the first few times.) I could see that it was obviously God's plan, and I knew that he was in charge and in control, and that it was for his glory, and that it would all work out. But, honestly (since I've been rather honest in this post so far) I didn't really care. I was losing my friends, my life for nine and a half years. I don't like change. (If you haven't been able to tell already) I didn't want to move.
I came across a quote the other day, that really struck me.
I didn't want the move. I was sick of it, tired of it having been my family's focus for several months. I hoped and prayed for another alternative. This move was everything the quote was talking about. Not only was the move for God's glory, this move is preparing me for my future with God, in my glory.
Now, that doesn't mean that all of a sudden, I decide that the move is/was the best thing in the world. That doesn't mean that I'm so happy, happy, happy about the move. That doesn't mean that I forget the past nine and a half (plus four months) of my life. It doesn't mean that I think or say things that are false, just because this is preparing me for glory!
It doesn't mean that I never look back, that I never dream, what it would have been like if I had stayed. It doesn't mean that I don't cry when I think about my friends. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sad when they all get to experience new things without me. It doesn't mean that I don't miss my friends, and the kids that I babysat, and the people I knew.
Sometimes, I'm not sure exactly what it means.
But, for me now, it means cherishing, and relishing over the times that we had. Keeping in touch, and keeping those relationships, no matter how hard it is, or how busy I may be. It means loving, and missing those people. It means wishing things, that are, in such, wishes. It means hoping and dreaming for things that may, or may never be. And sometimes, it means crying for things that will never be the same again.
Because what I lost, I will regain. It may not be the same, but I will see my friends again. I will see the kids I babysat, and the people from church. If not on this earth, then in glory.
Because what I go through, the trials, and the heartache (and maybe even sometimes, heartbreak) it is preparing me for glory.
What you go through. The trials, and the heartache, and, sometimes, the heartbreak. Is just preparing you for glory.
But, most importantly, it's all giving God glory.
It's been four months since I left. It's been four months since I've arrived. I haven't always had the best attitude, and there were times where I had the worst (
WORST!!!!) attitude. But, all in all, I am being molded and formed, and God has gotten the glory.
Friends, I love and miss you all, and I will never, never,
never, forget you, or the times we've had together. I love and miss you all beyond words. Words, that I can not express no matter how hard I try.
Love,
Rebekah
Side note, I'm not sure what happened (whether it was my brain or calendar...) but it's actually only been 3 months... Like I said, not sure what happened, but I just wanted to clear that up. :)
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